No baby......yet!

We don't have a baby here yet, but she is on her way! Last Monday (7/25), I was dilated to 1 cm. That night I had contractions about 5 minutes apart for 4.5 hours. I thought maybe I would be going in by the next morning, so I started cleaning up the house and getting ready. Well, the contractions lessened, and eventually stopped. When I went last Thursday (7/28) I was only dilated to 1.5 cm. I thought for sure it would have gotten me more progress with the contractions.

So, I have another appointment today at 4:00 pm. Everything is still a little up in the air. We had been talking about inducing tomorrow (8/2). Remember all hospitals have a new policy that you cannot be induced earlier than 1 week before your due date (39 weeks). I assumed that is what we were going to do, let my in-laws know because they have a 6 hour drive to get here, and started planning for the 2nd. Well, it dawned on me that he didn't set it in stone. What if he doesn't have the space in his schedule? What if he decides for Wednesday or Thursday? My father in law has a very busy carpet business, so it would be better for them if they don't come too early so he can keep everything running. I called this morning to try and get an idea of whether or not tomorrow was a go, and they just said I would have to wait until my appointment today. So we'll see.

Another concern was that my doctor had mentioned in the beginning that he would have me stop my 81 mg aspirin a couple weeks before delivery. He hasn't taken me off. I'm not sure if it's intentional or it just slipped his mind. So that may affect the induction as well.

So that's the update. I guess you'll find out tomorrow! I may pop in later with a quick update on whether tomorrow is THE day or not. :)

The latest in our lives:

I'll be very transparent right now. I've been having a very difficult time lately. And it's heartbreaking. We have waited so incredibly long for this sweet baby. If you've read my blog for any length of time, you know that really well. It is so devastating to be sidelined with serious depression the couple weeks before you are finally about to welcome a baby into the world. This is without a doubt, one of the happiest times of my life. Our family is in a good place. I love my husband. I love my girls. I love my family. I love my life. I love my home. I love my church. Yet, I have been so down and depressed.

I know it is an attack to get my spirit down. I know it is an attack, and it is straight from the enemy. Our marriage has been affected. My mind and thoughts have definitely been affected. It has affected our entire family. The thoughts that have gone through my head, I cannot even revisit. They are that awful. And it made me feel so bad to feel this way. I didn't want to feel this way.

I found myself wishing that I could just keep this baby in, because there was no way I wanted to bring a child into this world, into our family, with this turmoil. It was awful.

Yesterday everything finally came to a head between Tahner and I. On a Sunday morning. Via text. It was not fun. I'd been planning on skipping church all week long because I didn't want to face anyone. I didn't want to face all of the same questions. All of the stares, and sadly, even well wishes. Just because I dreaded it. But I woke up yesterday morning and knew that I needed to go. Well, the enemy didn't want me to go and he created circumstances that made it easy for me to throw my hands up in anger, pout, and stay home. And I did do that for awhile. Tahner and the girls left for church when I was just 10 minutes from being ready (we weren't speaking). I was fuming, and we started arguing via text about everything that we had bottled up. Not long after, we started to do a little better and actually talk things out. I was a little late, but I just KNEW that I needed to go to church. At the end of the service, the pastor opened up for prayer during altar service. A few people went up just as I was going to, so I sat. I prayed that he would ask just one more time, and then I would go. Sure enough, he asked one more time, and I went up. Our pastors are our very good friends, and you could tell they were worried when I walked up, hysterical. I briefly told them what was going on, and they prayed for me, the baby, and our family. I instantly felt different. In a better place. A weight had been lifted.

Tahner & I took some time to talk things out yesterday, and opened our lines of communication. We took the girls swimming at my grandma's house, and she told us to go to dinner and she would watch the girls. We were able to go to Red Robin together, talk, laugh and enjoy one another. We discussed baby names (no, we still don't have a name!), played around with one of Tahner's apps that gets you talking. It's one of those "would you rather" games, and it was kind of fun to just get us lightened up and laughing again. And then later, "dot dot dot".... (those of you Mama Mia fans will know what I mean). We really needed to reconnect, and I honestly thank God that He helped us to get back on track as a couple.

I thank God for putting us all into a better place, so that we can properly welcome this baby into our hearts and lives. This baby that we have waited SO long for! We are just over the moon. Every single one of us. The girls cannot wait. Tahner and I cannot wait. Our families cannot wait. I've never been super super emotional with the birth of our children. I think because I am in shock. But I have a feeling I will just be overcome with emotion.

I thank God for this child.

Every.single day.

 ♥ Amber

Thank you for reading. Thank you for allowing me to be transparent.